[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
