Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there