*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
You Might Also Like
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color