Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.