*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs