Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

🐶😂

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.