Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
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[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
im 7 sauces long
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.