Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????