My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies