[Before Marriage]

ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.

HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.

[After Marriage]


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me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂


The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.


my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands


[applying for a job at the FBI]

FBI: and there will be a video interview

Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol



FBI: you could do that, yes


Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress.
Other times I think you need a better home security system


[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not


And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.


Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.


THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.