Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea