Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

This a good idea

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards