Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/913084374232567809/pu/vid/720x720/Q5LN-Zm5deKgsw0y.mp4

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.