Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

peep davidson

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

i like to flex on them by shrugging

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

socratic questions