Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

This is painfully accurate 😅

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Jesus Christ lmao

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God