Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
You Might Also Like
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun