Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.