before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
