before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
You Might Also Like
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
getting seasonal up in here
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
