before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect