Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

what does he know…

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”