Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

girls literally only want one thing..

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

ㅤ

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…