before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Who chose this font
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off