before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Put the is in disheveled
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
in the ocean
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
