Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Straight people are cancelled
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.