Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.