Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

My boss called in sick of me

#oldknees

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.