Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
jesus christ confetti not now
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me