@Marcmywords2

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

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@LackOfShame

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

@TheChalls

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

@AmericanGent69

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

@iamspacegirl

And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*

@BoogTweets

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

@CArmanthegirl

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

@Home_Halfway

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage