Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”