Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries