Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion