Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
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I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I triple waxed for this?
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
2022 will be better than 2021
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Finally!
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD