Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve disappointed better people.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

not seeing the problem

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it