[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
sliding into dms like
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
