[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Bill is short for Billiam
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs