Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
💻🤡
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class