Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

I want this so bad

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone