Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You Might Also Like
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.