Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
the noise i just made
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Potatoes were such a good idea
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*