Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Only a mother’s love …
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!