Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

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I’m in an abusive relationship. controlling, manipulative, overbearing, demanding.

it’s for his own good.


I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.


It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.


Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely


ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.


Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss


Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns


Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.


16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.


This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM