If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
my birthday is a month from today and all i want is this
WHAT ARE WE?
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
No, then Twitter
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right