@MomofTeen: Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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@squirrel74wkgn: My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
@sammyrhodes: There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
@simoncholland: If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
@teenpuke: do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify