Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.