@MomofTeen

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

You Might Also Like

@errhmagerd

I’m in an abusive relationship. controlling, manipulative, overbearing, demanding.

it’s for his own good.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.

@Book_Krazy

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

@BigJDubz

Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

@TheBoydP

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

@c12h22o11balls

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

@BonaFideIntent

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

@LackOfShame

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

@celestinelea90

This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM