[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
the composer
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Good morning, Twitter x
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*