[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend