Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: get out
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”