@sofarrsogud

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

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@dubiousgenius

HER: Where have you been?

ME: Watching a WWF fight.

HER: You mean WWE?

*flashback to panda fighting an emu*

ME: Eh, yeah.

@TheCatWhisprer

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

@fro_vo

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

@SteveKoehler22

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

@TheHyyyype

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

@kelkulus

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

@OfficialMizGin

Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook.

We get it already.

You got laid once.

@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.