[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

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Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]


Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out


Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.


Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”


Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.


Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?


My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so


We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?


Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.


[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”