@sofarrsogud

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

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@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

@orange_rhymer

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

@Mikel_Jollett

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

@stephenjmolloy

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

@BuckyIsotope

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

@AsgardianRose

Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?

@heyitsJudeD

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@JudgmentalGay

Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.

@Knorg

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”