[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …