HER: Where have you been?
ME: Watching a WWF fight.
HER: You mean WWE?
*flashback to panda fighting an emu*
ME: Eh, yeah.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”
Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook.
We get it already.
You got laid once.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.