Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces