Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
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Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
How I like cutting carbs
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us