Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK