Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.