Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
i baked you a cake
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Your honor these allegations are
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.