before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
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I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Well, that should do it
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.