The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
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STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don’t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door