@carbsley

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

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@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

@mikeleffingwell

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

@dumbbeezie

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

@TheMichaelRock

Recipes sound good until you realize that you don’t have $846 worth of spices in your house.

@LorieGZ

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

@Woody_B_

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

@julcasagrande

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

@Naked_Superman

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

@panmidwest

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door