before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
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I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Tremendous stuff
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.