Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Windows

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

This chloroform smells expensiv…

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.