Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Friends that check up on you >

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back