Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
he’ll never suspect a thing
