Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Just a bush.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”