Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know