Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
You Might Also Like
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people