Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

i dont have time for this

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.