Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again