Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.