Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is