Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
adam and eve had first world problems
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.