@buhsbaby_baby

[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off

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@BettyBowers

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

@TheBoydP

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

@Love_bug1016

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

@JDBooie

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@boom_goes_the

In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.