@buhsbaby_baby

[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off

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@krissywillbretz

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

@HatfieldAnne

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

@jackiembouvier

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

@ClareBarry

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

@BindzBrain

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

@s8n

Whoever said ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’ was lying, we love sleep.

@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship