[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off

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“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.


Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.


Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.


The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.


Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.


COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.


In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.