How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
OH. COME. ON.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Camping tip: No.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
This one’s “Alex”.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.