Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”