[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high![]()
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Just had my nails done!
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Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.