[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”