Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

A customer told me they were never coming back….

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.