Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂