Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Going into Monday like

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.