[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
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Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.